My head was not in the game today. I went through the motions, ran my errands, taught, spoke, studied, cooked, even thought….robotically rather than poetically.
My discontentment towards people was at an all time high today. That one grocery shopper with the one item who gives the line that look and body language that says: “I have one item. Let me cut you in line…..” With the certainty that she would get a ,yes (because I usually would)……she had to wait today.
My desire to reach out to other Apostolic Pentecostal individuals, just to have some like minded conversations of faith, is beaming, but how like minded are we going to be at this moment? I would love to have a conversation, unfiltered, without people feeling differently about me, treating me differently, or just shutting me out altogether, upon me using my words. But if the church might rebuke me…..how much more would the world reject me? The power of life and death are in the tongue.
Perhaps it is best that I say little, but then my discontentment would turn into hate. So I will say what I feel. Any and all who can not handle me and my heart…(from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks)⬅I love the Bible…….you have the right to turn around and walk the other way. Life is fragile and people too dishonest….and it took me years to befriend my sensitivity with honesty. I was always one or the other, but never both at once. Now, I finally am.
Some express in curse words…..I express through flattery. Some are bland and grey…my words tend to be flamboyant and hold some level of shock value. I do not know how else to express my desire for people. It comes from a missionary heart that was molded by God, but then I backslid.
I tap into that love for others, because that is really all that I know and in a great way, it keeps me connected to what I know, so that I do not lose it completely. Nothing can separate me from the love of God…..but my words separate me from people. Yet, I am unyielding.
If I tell you that I love you…it does not mean that I want you. If I tell you that you are a beautiful person…..why take it the wrong way? If I called you ugly, you would believe that more quickly and accept that. We are conditioned to wage war, not to feel love and peace or anything in between…..especially from strangers. Yet most of us are strangers to one another. This world…….
To bare our souls.