(Start time, 2:04a.m.)
My late nights and early mornings greet me with fresh cups of coffee and plenty of time to think.
I pace up and down my hall way with my hands in my pocket, like I am taking a stroll on the sidewalk.
I think. I talk to myself. I cry. I reason. I come to terms with so many realities. I have so many realities to face….and I am currently facing a majority of them. I never thought that I would be, but don’t we always assume our own emotional safety….until…….(this is the part where the film in my mind does a recap over the past several years).
You end up having to wear a bungee cord, because at any moment, those grounds beneath your feet, become untrustworthy, and they collapse. You have to be ready for that. One moment you are so certain that you are “okay”, and the next moment, there is nothing around you to hold onto for security. Floating around in nothingness is a scary feeling.
I know that I will not be happy if I settle, so that is a truth that is wonderful to accept for yourself, but you know with that truth, certain parts of your life have to come to an end.
A brief and Blessed encounter in my journey, once showed me what it was to know my worth and value. Even unto the end, of keeping his own integrity. He set the bar in many ways, in what I deserve and want, in a friendship and in a mate……..and what I deserve on my own. Love yourself, entirely….was the greatest foot print that he left behind. And really, that final lesson is what I think about constantly, when having to make decisions over my life. His actions highlighted self respect and honesty and respect for others. I am Blessed to have seen that in a man, because that is so unfamiliar in my world…..but now I believe that it exists. The most amazing part about it all, is that I am a firm believer that God uses people as vessels to reach, to comfort and to assist in our journeys. In moments when the path on my journey is dim, dark and hazey….the remembrance and thoughts of these encounters are like oil filled lanterns.
Another Blessed encounter was an older Christian woman whom shared with me her testimony and her prayers. Her ending words to me were: “There’s a happy ending”. I knew nothing about her prior to our encounter, but she shared an identifiable story that painted a smile on my face for the rest of my day. God moves and works in the most beautifully mysterious ways, through the most adoring souls.
And since I’m dozing off……Goodnight!
(Ending time, 3:55am)