I know that I was not planned. I know that it was at your hands that my mother was violated. I know that she trusted you. I know that you broke that trust. I know that she became another victim, soon survivor, a statistic, one of many rape stories. Sexual assault connected my mother and I from the womb. I know that I was not planned, but God was going to get me here some how. He wanted me……..by any means necessary.
I know that mom suffered and struggled to come to terms that she was carrying your child. I am sure having the very human thought of; “How am I going to love this baby?”
Before I left her belly, her and I walked, for hours in the streets…(just thinking), trying to get a grip on the reality at hand. She was terrified….even that was an understatement. Not only was I a Bastard…but I was a Bastard by force.
My mom, torn and weary, went to the clinic……..considering abortion, when God spoke to her an said; “This baby is a special baby!”
My mom, recollecting her thoughts and her brash sharp tongue towards the nurse, took me back home rather than leaving me in pieces, in a “Bio Hazard” waste bag. She is a resilient and amazing woman. You should know that I take after her.
She had me…….She loved me…….She raised me, and well.
I remember when I first met you. You were tall and handsome, your skin the color of bustelo with a hint of cream. There was something that you had that I inherited……those dimples in your cheeks. I knew that you were dad!
You stood there with your long trench coat on, in the church hall way. You asked me about school and my grades….me awkwardly answering, wondering why you were asking. I was a teen with an attitude. I would appreciate those questions today.
I do not know what went through your mind. I do not know what goes through your mind today, because I have not seen you since, but I am not mad. I am no longer hurt by your absence. I understand you had demons that you were battling. You are a man who made a mistake…..but out of that mistake, a Blessing was born. So I thank you!
As violent of a memory that rape is….God orchestrated my arrival. He purposed my conception, and has allowed for it to be used as a testimony that my mom and I now share with the world. We were not destroyed by your mistake, nor will we be.
Now, I won’t say that growing up without you was easy. A little girl growing up without her first love, faces a cold reality and a harsher world. My choices in love have not been the best, but I chose how I knew how to. You never taught me to guard my heart and to take pre-cautions when it came to men. I gravitated towards the controlling type. The type who like to play dad and caregiver…..every fatherless woman’s nightmare. The type who promises to take care of you, who make you stay empty so that you are dependent on them. Even if you tried to escape their clutches…….where could you go? With what money? With what car? they give you partial stability, then laugh at you when you try to leave their abuse.
I searched for you in these type of men. For the sake of your Grandson and myself, I had to realize my worth, and fast, so that my son can be a better man.
I was able to beat the odds. I was not promiscuous. I did not have sex until after marriage. I did not have my baby out of wedlock and he was created and born out of love. His father was my first and only partner.
You would be so proud to know, that I graduated High School. I graduated college and earned my degree. I did not fall to the wayside, get caught up with the wrong crowds, was never strung out on drugs, did not bury my troubles deep in alcohol. I went through hard times, during a small chunk of my life, but the same God who wanted me here and made sure I got here, was the same God who carried me through those times, and continues to do so today.
I made it! I grew up! You would be so proud! I am sorry that you missed me becoming this courageous and beautiful young woman…….but, I FORGIVE YOU!
I hold no animosity in my heart towards you, no judgments….I am sure you dealt with enough of that. I will not badger you for your mistakes, your shortcomings, your sins. I am not Jesus Christ. I do not know the battle within your mind and soul….if you agonized over what you had done, and if you still do…so I will not be the one to break you down even more. We all have our unwanted stories and skeletons that we would rather hide deep in our closets. Demons and society have done that already. I will always be your daughter, your first born. I will always place you in the treasure box of my heart. You are a man with a soul…..I respect you for that. You were a vessel used by God in my creation. I can’t hate you for that. I will love you, even when not knowing you well, no matter the mistakes you have made, no matter the crime that you have committed, even when I am told not to. If you do not know, very few can really dictate me 🙂
You will always be my Dad……and I Forgive You!